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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29867724">Saying Sam</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darci/pseuds/Darci'>Darci</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:33:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>350</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29867724</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darci/pseuds/Darci</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean never knows which version of Sam he will meet today.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Saying Sam</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I'm standing outside of Sam's room</p>
<p>Wondering which version of my brother I will meet.</p>
<p>Every day he is a different draft of different stories,</p>
<p>Hundreds of different Sams with different smiles.</p>
<p>And I'm trying to rearrange them all into one coherent thing but</p>
<p>There are child Sams and ancient Sams,</p>
<p>Sams encased in fires and Sams frosted over with ice,</p>
<p>Sams dangling on meat-hooks and Sams splayed on floors.</p>
<p>Sam is dying in the muddy street,</p>
<p>Sam is dead in my arms,</p>
<p>Sam is wrapping his arms around me and saying <em>Dean</em>.</p>
<p>Here is Sam on the bathroom floor, his back arched</p>
<p>And his head banging a tempo on the hard tiles,</p>
<p>And here is Sam lunging in front of me, dodging a blow from a fist</p>
<p>Or a hammer.</p>
<p>Here I am in the mental hospital, watching Sam</p>
<p>Who is watching nothing.</p>
<p>Here I am cradling his head in my lap.</p>
<p>I am pressing a wound on the palm of Sam's hand,</p>
<p>I am wiping away blood leaking from his eyes.</p>
<p>I am snapping my fingers in front of his blank hazel eyes so that he will focus on me,</p>
<p>Or on anything real, anything at all.</p>
<p>I'm cleaning Sam's cuts, memorizing the scars and fractures of him so that I will know</p>
<p>If the person standing in front of me is a Sam filled with Meg or Gadreel</p>
<p>Or nothing at all, or is simply a Sam-shaped thing pretending.</p>
<p>This is what Sam looks like carrying Lucifer's soul,</p>
<p>This is what Sam looks like carrying his own soul.</p>
<p>I'm screaming Sam into the night, hoping my call will find his ears,</p>
<p>I'm murmuring Sammy over and over again, brushing my hand through his too-long hair.</p>
<p>I'm hitting Sam, I'm saying <em>This is a dictatorship</em>,</p>
<p>I'm saying <em>I can't do this without you</em>, I'm fumbling with words and explanations</p>
<p>And Sam is saying <em>I know</em>.</p>
<p>Sam knows all the words I can't say, and as the mercury droplets of Sam</p>
<p>Slide through my fingers and poison my skin</p>
<p>I sometimes feel like I don't know Sam</p>
<p>At all.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The layout of this poem is based on Richard Siken's "Saying Your Names" from his book Crush.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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